Experiencing the Shadow and The Journey Beyond: VIII

Shadow is something about which you, I or anyone of us can never write completely. It is the darkest chamber of our mind where we have stored all our bitter experiences and suppressed emotions and fear -- emotions that you are soft, emotions that you should not play with doll as you are a boy, emotions of helplessness, fear of being unable to complete the paper on time, fear of being badly beaten, fear of being sad inside due to losing our parents.

I can see myself entering that dark chamber and then I saw -- my father went outside for a long period of time. Its too late, he hasn't come yet. Mother went outside looking for father, and I found myself sitting in meditation. Then my sister started vomiting, her stomach is weak. Father always told me to take care of her. But I didn't.  And...and she's near to death. For just a span of few seconds, I lose all of them -- mother, father, sister. I wake up from meditation, my body is numb, coughing and then I saw some men entering at my home without permission. They all are strong, tall and muscular. They had sharp weapons on their hands -- just ready to kill, gate opened and Parth, my son went outside. "Outside! No, don't go. Stop!" I followed.  

And now came the darkest thing -- the anger that I have controlled through daily practice burst out. I went outside using everything as weapon and to save my son I killed them all. Then suddenly a thought came where is Astha, my wife? "She is all alone at home!" I ran and when entered "there is blood everywhere". I failed to protect my family. I failed. Nothing left. Then a voice I heard inside. "It's not true. It's not true." A pure light entered in the darkest chamber commanding me to follow. And I followed it. 

Then I saw a big house, a Mansion and a voice of holy mantra Om could be clearly heard. I moved and entered. It's full of light and the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra could be listened to clearly. A huge Shivling. But it's different. It has tilak of both Shaiv and Vaishnavs. Then, it, too disappeared. Nothing left. Not even Sakshi: the Witness. The play ended and there is just an awareness. 

I can't describe that awareness in words. That can never be described in words.