Diwali

       On 12 Nov 2012 was a day of hurry because the next day was Diwali and that’s why we have to purchase many things regarding this festival.  My father is suffering from leg pain so I and my sister decide to purchase eatables and goods which are necessary for this festival.  As I have been told before that I didn't do my work with responsibility same is true today.  It was the decision of my sister to go and purchase sweets and things regarding Diwali. Later I also agrees and goes with her because I think it is after all my responsibility to help her because she is my elder sister yet I know she don’t seems elder but still the truth is truth.  When I woke up today I have decided to do 15 -15 lesson plan of each teaching subject so that tomorrow I can revise the lesson but because of my lazyness I again delay it.  I have completed 13 lesson plan of English and I feel satisfied because today I am with my family and there is fear of lesson planning or future or fear of losing something.  Totally I can say today is the good day and I enjoy it and today I realize how much a family is necessary in our life.  But still inspite of having a good family good family member I feel empty, why I feel I don’t know?  I think it is because of my fear, fear to lose them.  Many time I feel can these people always live with me then the answer will comes NO.  One day they leave me I will remain alone and if they will not leave me then I will leave them. This means the truth is nothing is permanent.  Many people came in my life in past and many will come in future but throughout all these process I sometimes attach with those people whom I like and sometimes it feels bad when they leave us but it is the truth and we have to accept to and as soon as we accept it is become easy to relax our mind.
 I remembered those days when I was doning my graduation at that time my political science teacher Prof. Sunil Aggarwal very much inspires me and I get so much impressed with him that now I made him as my Role model but I really miss him very much I don’t know he miss me or not but I miss him very much.  Because he is not just a person for me, he is more than a person, he came to my life at that time when I am very much frustrated from my life because of my continuous failure in study and I have been abused by everyone that I have not done my work sincerely.
       Yes I know I had not done my work sincerely but there is something in me which always show me a path a path which is shown by Him a person who took Diwali in my life and I can't forget that person who took Diwali in my life who show a light in my life who is yet not with me but always with me in my memories in my expressions that one is Prof Sunil Aggrwal. And My father also always told me that only those wrestlers wins who have a stamana to wake up again and again and never tired to be beaten by some other wrestler,  he always told me just stay just keep standing again and again and NEVER GIVE UP.

Game of Mind

       On 11 Nov 2012 is a day of ordinary living like other days and I have not done anything special which give me satisfaction but still today I feel happy because today I read Osho and whenever I read him I feel a kind of pleasure because he is so much clear with his ideas and his point of view and he didn't care  anybody and was a great thinker and reformer who is a first person who told change your inner Nature not through supression but through acceptance and Understanding. As I am very much a emotional fool and many times I am in trouble because of it.  For a person like me Osho is like a new wave of light who show a new path.  But is it possible I ever been happy without any support.  Either it is Vivekanada or Osho or J Krishnamurti the truth that these philosophies are not followed by today's people.  Osho is most reformist type of thinker who didn't care for society who only follows the Nature and was so brave that he inspite of so much criticism in his life never leave his way of living and his philosophical point of view.
       But in today's topic I am not here talking about Osho or the great Philosophers rather today I am talking about the game of mind.   How clever the mind is actually it never want to die and it dies when there is not problem and thats why our mind created problems again and again.  I have remembered those days of my life when I was a child and I only cares for one thing that is pleasure.  I just want pleasure and nothing else.  And sometimes I have been badly beaten by my father because of my irrational way of living.  But it didn't matter to me at that time and only one thing matter at that time for me is to enjoy to play and to play everyday. But I knew I never hurt anybody even in my childhood neither physically nor mentally but if any one hurt me then I also hurt definitly it was my philosophy of life at that time but now I never want to hurt any one but Yes I have many desires which sometimes make me restless, I feel it is because of me.  And what is the difference between me and my mind I tried to understand it.  Some times I think that the answer of this question is very simple just like CAR and The DRIVER.  But sometimes I think why I am so much attach with the worldly people rather I know these people never remain with me everytime still I have a strong attachment with them still I don't able to detach myself with them.  Is it my ignorance or my attachment.  I have many kind of experiences of my life and these experiences told me not to follow anybody just be with yourself but still I am so much attach with these worldly relations and these relations creates trouble for me but I know if I want to detach myself from these people then I have to live with them.  Because if we really want to be disinterested type of person then one thing is required that is to live like lotus flower as it never get contact with the water in-spite it always live in water but water don't have any impact on it.
       But is it really a easy task that is the question???????........        

The Sun's Glory

        On 26 Nov I click this pics.  This day is not the ordinary because on 26 Nov is my birthday and 26 Nov there was also a tragedy happen I feel very bad about it because when ever I think of celebrating my birthday I recollected those scene in TV and because this incident I can't celibate my birthday so I feel really sorry to my friends but yes there is a hope arises when Kasab has been given capital punishment but the real wicked person is not Kasab it is our inner darkness our inner emptiness which took any person to the wrong path and make a wicked person. Today our society needs a sun who has a light of knowledge and wisdom which make us aware that we all are one and if we hurt others then actually we are hurting ourselves. 

Competition comes from Mind.

       Life seems very much in trouble these days.  I remembered those days when I was a child and the only thing which I think is just to enjoy, play and to be happy.  At that time life is like a  music and there is no kind of fear, no find of anxiety and no kind of tension.  I live in me and I was a happy child.  Through very much short things I enjoy, sometimes through collecting stones of various kind, sometimes collecting different kind of woods and wasteful things, I remember my mother always got angry with me because I collect many useless things in my pocket and when she wash my cloths she very much get angry with me.  But I didn't care and just collect it as if these things are very much important for me.
        And now I think how I get pleasure from these things, when I look at the sky I saw different kind of clouds and birds flying and it gave me a kind of pleasure as I can also fly one day may be it is impossible but I used to pretend as if I was a Superman and I was flying in the sky but all things are just day dreams of mine but these dreams are very sweet.
        Today when I am not a child, I am a young man of 23 years old I realized I have missed a golden age of my life when there is no tension no fear just pleasure.  But the dreams of a young man are also not different from day dreams.  They are also the same but now my interest is to fullfil my emptiness why I feel so much empty from my heart I don't know?  I tried to get the answer of this question but failed because I think it is not a subject of head(thinking) rather it is a subject of heart(feeling).  My heart feels so much empty and I want to share my emptiness with someone who can understand it but fears if he/she make fun of it or never understand it.  Sometimes I tried to find satisfaction through work but it never gives me not permanent satisfaction.  Another thing is that I don't have so much stable mind who can do a task continuously.  Many times a thought arise to show out my feelings but then afraid what people think about me, because today's world is a world of competition and here only those survive who complete, who are not emotional fools, whom we called without emotions just like a computer who only knows to do his/her work and just do it but sometimes there arises a fear if my emotions get me ruined to this competitive world then what would I do?  Who will save me?  How can I survive?  My parents never live with me all times.  Nor they support me every time but I know I need emotional support all times.  Yes my friends are very good they support me every time but they also don't support me everyday because they have their own life and work and when I look at the people who are very close to me I found one day they will leave me and If they will not leave me then I will leave them then I will again remain alone empty.  I feel afraid of my emptiness and tried to fulfil it through reading books, articles and through watching stories but their impact is very small and after sometime the same situation arises. 
        Many times I tried to read a spiritual books through which I got disinterestedness but it is not permanent after some period of time it comes again then I starts doing meditation but it was very difficult to sit in meditation on one or two hour because my mind is very much restless.  Actually it afraid of its own emptiness because it is nothing when I sit in meditation then there are many unfulfilled desires in my mind who don't allow me to sit in meditation.  These desires are so much strong that I can't sit more than 45 min.   And then there is also a fear of existence in today's world because in today's world our survival is very much difficult because of inflation because of race of life where every one want to be first and the best.  No I don't have any desire to be a greatest or best I just want enough to survive in this world and live a life of simplicity and try to detach myself from this worldly activity. Just this is my desire nothing more.  May be there are some people who don't like my this kind of attitude because I am not so much friendly and not always so worm rather I am like a dry leaf.  

My absent-mindedness and Search for Existence

       From many days my learning capability decreased day by day and I don't know what is happening with me because it is totally a new experience for me.  From the beginning of 2012 and after joined B.ed course I have found that I can't able to remember even a simplest things, why it happen I know, it happens because of  business and my lack of capability to manage every task systematically.  Today, I realize how foolish I am.  The thing become more miserable mistakes.  If any one read it he can also find it in my this note.  I think I am very lazy and I am also irresponsible to my work.  I feel very over-confident and under-confident both side by side.  I sometimes find I am the Most foolish person of this world. And it is all because I am very absent minded person.  Sometimes my this kind of attitude create trouble not only for me but for others.  I am very selfish and I am not faithful because if a person who can't do his own work systematically and forget it many times then how can we accept from him that he will help others.  Same is with me because I don't have any responsible mind through which I can manage my task rather I also delays my work endlessly.  I don't have any good future.  I am the great loser of this world and I am the bad-est person of this world I am not a good son because I don't have done anything for my parents, I am just a burden on them, in fact I have no passion to do anything.  Life become misery for me because I have lost everything in my life.  I am an unemployed person who don't have any future and burden for society not for society but for all humanity.  Sometimes I think why God create a person like me who don't have any quality.  I have done M.A English in 2011 but I am not good in English, my parents have spent lot of money on me but still I don't improve myself.  Yes, it is all my FAULT.
        Actually from the very beginning of my childhood, I just try to find one thing and that one thing is "Truth".  Because of my this desire I have lost many things.  I have lost interest in worldly activity and I neglect my duties.  I am very selfish person who only think of his own salvation  But still I can't find the truth in real sense.  It means I have no qualities.  I have also achieved a great failure in the field of LOVE.  I have no courage to express my emotions in front of anyone whom I love.  I am afraid of society.  I am a great coward and have given only pain to others, because I have just pains, and a person can give only those things which he has that's why I give only pains to others.  How strange is our society, it never allow a true love, today if I am a coward then it is because of our society and its people of rigid mindedness.  Because our society don't like changes, it don't like newness, because new is always challenging  curious that's why newness needs intelligence and love and here in this world there is no one who has good feeling or intelligence.  Every bad thing is made for me, I am the greatest sinner that's why I always troubles in my life.  Today, I am not writing anything I am just taking out my frustration.  Because it gives me very much pain, it gives me very much pain, I think these pains are because of myself.  But I want to release it,  I want to be free of it, I want to get rid of it.  But want to get rid of it.  But it will not leave me, because it is not from only this birth rather it is the collection of my past many births.  The only one thing I find is this world and that one thing is pain.  Sometimes I feel my self as a Vladimir of "Waiting for Go dot  who is endlessly waiting for something who is endlessly waiting for someone but it never comes. And it will never comes ever. My all friends got jobs, many have a good job But I don't have any job and because of my inability I have lost a precious person of my life not in one time rather many-times   This person is not anybody it is a kind of feeling which hurt me.  I am a heart oriented person who feels through heart and do everything spontaniouly that is why I am not a good lesson planner because I do only those things which I like, don't do those things which I don't like but my this type of attitude has given a lot of trouble to me.  I think I am a person of uselessness. I don't have any aim of my life I don't have any vision I am just a big Zero I am a loser and that's why I deserve failure.
       Two months before my college Principal addressed us in a non-formal meeting where there is only two to eight boys of our college, he started taking interview of ours and want to know about ourselves and our past achievements, when comes my turn I speak in Hindi and i introduced myself in hindi, and because I introduced myself in hindi in-spite of doing M.A English he told me: "You have done M.A English then why you speak in hindi"  I said, " sir I am not feeling comfortable while speaking English "  He told me that if you can't speak in English then how you teach the students of convent school, you will not survive even in a single day. And he is right I know he is right and I really respect that type of person who shows me the mirror of myself.
       Now I feel myself as a burden to my family because at the stage 22 yrs old I don't have any special thing in me which make me different from other.  Now I find my existence in a trouble. But I have a big Ego of mine which never stops me in spite of these failure in my life I want to face these problem because I want to live and I have endless desires. Because of today, cut through t compititon and because of inflation I find my self in darkness in near future, where there is no light of hope.   And this darkness have stolen my all dreams my dreams of love, truth and beauty.  

A letter to my Friends

Dear Friends,

        If our worldly parents always try to help us then how can we say that our real father will not help us, just listen him,  he exists in your inner body, you just submit yourselves to His will and follow his Guidance, I am sure He will definitely help us because father is always ready to help their children but he don't want from us to waste our time in sitting idle just do work but don't attach with them, the inner voice will guide you and help you, You just follow it and it will change your life and also realise you that your are not any ordinary human being So Just Listen Him
Thanks.

Religion

Today, the society in which we are being living is mixture of many religion, but if we go to the root of any religion we will found that all of these have given same way of life. For example Muslim is not just the name of any religious community rather it is way of life.  Same is with the Hindu, it is also not just a name rather it is the way of life and same is with Sikhism it is also a way of life, in fact all religion is the way of life.
        The great Muhammad Sahib has shown the how to live and also how to die, he is not only the great philosopher but also the great mystic. Thus a true Muslim is one who follow the teachings of Muhammad Sahib.  Same is with Hinduism, it told about the four prospective of life, one is brahmcharya, in which one should follow the rules of Yama, Niyama, asana, Pranayama and Pratyahara and Dhayna and Smadhi.  
        In Yama, a disciple has been told to know and watch every kind of thought through self analysis and also follow some morals like to follow truthful living and to save our Brahmanchaya life.  After Brahmachraya comes Grashsta means to live a family life where one get married with some one and ive a life of honesty and truthfulness and also follow the teachings of his/her Guru.
         After Grashsta comes Vanaprasta in which one live out the worldly place for the search of truth.  In this kind of life one lives in a solitude and observe the silence and tried to apply another parts of Yoga that is pratyahara means to detach ourselves and go into the deep down of our mind.
        After Pratyahara one will follow the last two part of Yoga in which through Dhayana in which one realize the real self of his/her and after Dhayana the person become able to merge with one true existence which is called God, the Supreme Soul or Truth. So this is the Hindu prospective of religion. 
        After the prospective of Hindu comes the prospective of Sikh philosophy. In this our Gurus told us to follow a truthful living and live a simple life but to follow high moral character and live a spiritual life.
         Thus briefly we can say that religion is the "transformation of self" from the wrong identity to the right identity and every religion teach us to realize our true self which is not this body rather is beyond this body as Bible says,  "The kingdom of Heaven is within you."