Life seems very much in trouble these days. I remembered those days when I was a child and the only thing which I think is just to enjoy, play and to be happy. At that time life is like a music and there is no kind of fear, no find of anxiety and no kind of tension. I live in me and I was a happy child. Through very much short things I enjoy, sometimes through collecting stones of various kind, sometimes collecting different kind of woods and wasteful things, I remember my mother always got angry with me because I collect many useless things in my pocket and when she wash my cloths she very much get angry with me. But I didn't care and just collect it as if these things are very much important for me.
And now I think how I get pleasure from these things, when I look at the sky I saw different kind of clouds and birds flying and it gave me a kind of pleasure as I can also fly one day may be it is impossible but I used to pretend as if I was a Superman and I was flying in the sky but all things are just day dreams of mine but these dreams are very sweet.
Today when I am not a child, I am a young man of 23 years old I realized I have missed a golden age of my life when there is no tension no fear just pleasure. But the dreams of a young man are also not different from day dreams. They are also the same but now my interest is to fullfil my emptiness why I feel so much empty from my heart I don't know? I tried to get the answer of this question but failed because I think it is not a subject of head(thinking) rather it is a subject of heart(feeling). My heart feels so much empty and I want to share my emptiness with someone who can understand it but fears if he/she make fun of it or never understand it. Sometimes I tried to find satisfaction through work but it never gives me not permanent satisfaction. Another thing is that I don't have so much stable mind who can do a task continuously. Many times a thought arise to show out my feelings but then afraid what people think about me, because today's world is a world of competition and here only those survive who complete, who are not emotional fools, whom we called without emotions just like a computer who only knows to do his/her work and just do it but sometimes there arises a fear if my emotions get me ruined to this competitive world then what would I do? Who will save me? How can I survive? My parents never live with me all times. Nor they support me every time but I know I need emotional support all times. Yes my friends are very good they support me every time but they also don't support me everyday because they have their own life and work and when I look at the people who are very close to me I found one day they will leave me and If they will not leave me then I will leave them then I will again remain alone empty. I feel afraid of my emptiness and tried to fulfil it through reading books, articles and through watching stories but their impact is very small and after sometime the same situation arises.
Many times I tried to read a spiritual books through which I got disinterestedness but it is not permanent after some period of time it comes again then I starts doing meditation but it was very difficult to sit in meditation on one or two hour because my mind is very much restless. Actually it afraid of its own emptiness because it is nothing when I sit in meditation then there are many unfulfilled desires in my mind who don't allow me to sit in meditation. These desires are so much strong that I can't sit more than 45 min. And then there is also a fear of existence in today's world because in today's world our survival is very much difficult because of inflation because of race of life where every one want to be first and the best. No I don't have any desire to be a greatest or best I just want enough to survive in this world and live a life of simplicity and try to detach myself from this worldly activity. Just this is my desire nothing more. May be there are some people who don't like my this kind of attitude because I am not so much friendly and not always so worm rather I am like a dry leaf.
And now I think how I get pleasure from these things, when I look at the sky I saw different kind of clouds and birds flying and it gave me a kind of pleasure as I can also fly one day may be it is impossible but I used to pretend as if I was a Superman and I was flying in the sky but all things are just day dreams of mine but these dreams are very sweet.
Today when I am not a child, I am a young man of 23 years old I realized I have missed a golden age of my life when there is no tension no fear just pleasure. But the dreams of a young man are also not different from day dreams. They are also the same but now my interest is to fullfil my emptiness why I feel so much empty from my heart I don't know? I tried to get the answer of this question but failed because I think it is not a subject of head(thinking) rather it is a subject of heart(feeling). My heart feels so much empty and I want to share my emptiness with someone who can understand it but fears if he/she make fun of it or never understand it. Sometimes I tried to find satisfaction through work but it never gives me not permanent satisfaction. Another thing is that I don't have so much stable mind who can do a task continuously. Many times a thought arise to show out my feelings but then afraid what people think about me, because today's world is a world of competition and here only those survive who complete, who are not emotional fools, whom we called without emotions just like a computer who only knows to do his/her work and just do it but sometimes there arises a fear if my emotions get me ruined to this competitive world then what would I do? Who will save me? How can I survive? My parents never live with me all times. Nor they support me every time but I know I need emotional support all times. Yes my friends are very good they support me every time but they also don't support me everyday because they have their own life and work and when I look at the people who are very close to me I found one day they will leave me and If they will not leave me then I will leave them then I will again remain alone empty. I feel afraid of my emptiness and tried to fulfil it through reading books, articles and through watching stories but their impact is very small and after sometime the same situation arises.
Many times I tried to read a spiritual books through which I got disinterestedness but it is not permanent after some period of time it comes again then I starts doing meditation but it was very difficult to sit in meditation on one or two hour because my mind is very much restless. Actually it afraid of its own emptiness because it is nothing when I sit in meditation then there are many unfulfilled desires in my mind who don't allow me to sit in meditation. These desires are so much strong that I can't sit more than 45 min. And then there is also a fear of existence in today's world because in today's world our survival is very much difficult because of inflation because of race of life where every one want to be first and the best. No I don't have any desire to be a greatest or best I just want enough to survive in this world and live a life of simplicity and try to detach myself from this worldly activity. Just this is my desire nothing more. May be there are some people who don't like my this kind of attitude because I am not so much friendly and not always so worm rather I am like a dry leaf.
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