From many days my learning capability decreased day by day and I don't know what is happening with me because it is totally a new experience for me. From the beginning of 2012 and after joined B.ed course I have found that I can't able to remember even a simplest things, why it happen I know, it happens because of business and my lack of capability to manage every task systematically. Today, I realize how foolish I am. The thing become more miserable mistakes. If any one read it he can also find it in my this note. I think I am very lazy and I am also irresponsible to my work. I feel very over-confident and under-confident both side by side. I sometimes find I am the Most foolish person of this world. And it is all because I am very absent minded person. Sometimes my this kind of attitude create trouble not only for me but for others. I am very selfish and I am not faithful because if a person who can't do his own work systematically and forget it many times then how can we accept from him that he will help others. Same is with me because I don't have any responsible mind through which I can manage my task rather I also delays my work endlessly. I don't have any good future. I am the great loser of this world and I am the bad-est person of this world I am not a good son because I don't have done anything for my parents, I am just a burden on them, in fact I have no passion to do anything. Life become misery for me because I have lost everything in my life. I am an unemployed person who don't have any future and burden for society not for society but for all humanity. Sometimes I think why God create a person like me who don't have any quality. I have done M.A English in 2011 but I am not good in English, my parents have spent lot of money on me but still I don't improve myself. Yes, it is all my FAULT.
Actually from the very beginning of my childhood, I just try to find one thing and that one thing is "Truth". Because of my this desire I have lost many things. I have lost interest in worldly activity and I neglect my duties. I am very selfish person who only think of his own salvation But still I can't find the truth in real sense. It means I have no qualities. I have also achieved a great failure in the field of LOVE. I have no courage to express my emotions in front of anyone whom I love. I am afraid of society. I am a great coward and have given only pain to others, because I have just pains, and a person can give only those things which he has that's why I give only pains to others. How strange is our society, it never allow a true love, today if I am a coward then it is because of our society and its people of rigid mindedness. Because our society don't like changes, it don't like newness, because new is always challenging curious that's why newness needs intelligence and love and here in this world there is no one who has good feeling or intelligence. Every bad thing is made for me, I am the greatest sinner that's why I always troubles in my life. Today, I am not writing anything I am just taking out my frustration. Because it gives me very much pain, it gives me very much pain, I think these pains are because of myself. But I want to release it, I want to be free of it, I want to get rid of it. But want to get rid of it. But it will not leave me, because it is not from only this birth rather it is the collection of my past many births. The only one thing I find is this world and that one thing is pain. Sometimes I feel my self as a Vladimir of "Waiting for Go dot who is endlessly waiting for something who is endlessly waiting for someone but it never comes. And it will never comes ever. My all friends got jobs, many have a good job But I don't have any job and because of my inability I have lost a precious person of my life not in one time rather many-times This person is not anybody it is a kind of feeling which hurt me. I am a heart oriented person who feels through heart and do everything spontaniouly that is why I am not a good lesson planner because I do only those things which I like, don't do those things which I don't like but my this type of attitude has given a lot of trouble to me. I think I am a person of uselessness. I don't have any aim of my life I don't have any vision I am just a big Zero I am a loser and that's why I deserve failure.
Two months before my college Principal addressed us in a non-formal meeting where there is only two to eight boys of our college, he started taking interview of ours and want to know about ourselves and our past achievements, when comes my turn I speak in Hindi and i introduced myself in hindi, and because I introduced myself in hindi in-spite of doing M.A English he told me: "You have done M.A English then why you speak in hindi" I said, " sir I am not feeling comfortable while speaking English " He told me that if you can't speak in English then how you teach the students of convent school, you will not survive even in a single day. And he is right I know he is right and I really respect that type of person who shows me the mirror of myself.
Now I feel myself as a burden to my family because at the stage 22 yrs old I don't have any special thing in me which make me different from other. Now I find my existence in a trouble. But I have a big Ego of mine which never stops me in spite of these failure in my life I want to face these problem because I want to live and I have endless desires. Because of today, cut through t compititon and because of inflation I find my self in darkness in near future, where there is no light of hope. And this darkness have stolen my all dreams my dreams of love, truth and beauty.
Actually from the very beginning of my childhood, I just try to find one thing and that one thing is "Truth". Because of my this desire I have lost many things. I have lost interest in worldly activity and I neglect my duties. I am very selfish person who only think of his own salvation But still I can't find the truth in real sense. It means I have no qualities. I have also achieved a great failure in the field of LOVE. I have no courage to express my emotions in front of anyone whom I love. I am afraid of society. I am a great coward and have given only pain to others, because I have just pains, and a person can give only those things which he has that's why I give only pains to others. How strange is our society, it never allow a true love, today if I am a coward then it is because of our society and its people of rigid mindedness. Because our society don't like changes, it don't like newness, because new is always challenging curious that's why newness needs intelligence and love and here in this world there is no one who has good feeling or intelligence. Every bad thing is made for me, I am the greatest sinner that's why I always troubles in my life. Today, I am not writing anything I am just taking out my frustration. Because it gives me very much pain, it gives me very much pain, I think these pains are because of myself. But I want to release it, I want to be free of it, I want to get rid of it. But want to get rid of it. But it will not leave me, because it is not from only this birth rather it is the collection of my past many births. The only one thing I find is this world and that one thing is pain. Sometimes I feel my self as a Vladimir of "Waiting for Go dot who is endlessly waiting for something who is endlessly waiting for someone but it never comes. And it will never comes ever. My all friends got jobs, many have a good job But I don't have any job and because of my inability I have lost a precious person of my life not in one time rather many-times This person is not anybody it is a kind of feeling which hurt me. I am a heart oriented person who feels through heart and do everything spontaniouly that is why I am not a good lesson planner because I do only those things which I like, don't do those things which I don't like but my this type of attitude has given a lot of trouble to me. I think I am a person of uselessness. I don't have any aim of my life I don't have any vision I am just a big Zero I am a loser and that's why I deserve failure.
Two months before my college Principal addressed us in a non-formal meeting where there is only two to eight boys of our college, he started taking interview of ours and want to know about ourselves and our past achievements, when comes my turn I speak in Hindi and i introduced myself in hindi, and because I introduced myself in hindi in-spite of doing M.A English he told me: "You have done M.A English then why you speak in hindi" I said, " sir I am not feeling comfortable while speaking English " He told me that if you can't speak in English then how you teach the students of convent school, you will not survive even in a single day. And he is right I know he is right and I really respect that type of person who shows me the mirror of myself.
Now I feel myself as a burden to my family because at the stage 22 yrs old I don't have any special thing in me which make me different from other. Now I find my existence in a trouble. But I have a big Ego of mine which never stops me in spite of these failure in my life I want to face these problem because I want to live and I have endless desires. Because of today, cut through t compititon and because of inflation I find my self in darkness in near future, where there is no light of hope. And this darkness have stolen my all dreams my dreams of love, truth and beauty.
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